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Please get in touch. When you wantinng, please enclose your photo and put "Interested" in the subject line. Not long after, another told me that while she'd never had sex with another man, she'd had so many emotional affairs and inappropriate email correspondences over the years that she'd had to buy a separate hard drive to store them all. What surprised me most about these conversations was not that my friends were cheating, but that many of them were so nonchalant in the way they described their extramarital adventures. There was deception but little secrecy or shame. Often, they loved their husbands, but felt in some fundamental way that their needs sexual, emotional, psychological were not being met inside the marriage.
Some even wondered if their husbands knew about their infidelity, choosing to look away. In an earlier generation, this might have taken the form of separation or divorce, but now, it seemed, more and more women were unwilling to abandon the marriages and families they'd built over years or decades. They were also unwilling to bear the stigma of a publicly open marriage or to go through the effort of negotiating such a complex arrangement. These women were turning to infidelity not as a way to explode a marriage, but as a way to stay in it. Whereas conventional narratives of female infidelity so often posit the unfaithful woman as a passive party, the women I talked to seemed in control of their own transgressions.
There seemed to be something new about this approach. Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women's Infidelity, another book on infidelity to be published this November, the sociologist Alicia Walker elaborates on the concept of female infidelity as a subversion of traditional gender roles. To do so, she interviews 40 women who sought or participated in extramarital relationships through the Ashley Madison dating site. Like The State of Affairs, Walker's text offers valuable insight simply by way of approaching its subject from a position of curiosity as opposed to prevention or recovery, and she investigates which factors led the women in her study to go outside their marriages.
Surely, one might think, a woman who would do such a thing affar be acting out of a desire to escape a miserable marriage. And yet it turns out, nolensvillle isn't always the case: Many of the women Walker interviewed Married women wanting for affair in nolensville in marriages that were functional. Like the women I knew who cheated, many of on interviewees said they liked their husbands well enough. They had property together. They flr friendships together. They had children that they were working together to raise. But Mzrried the wantnig time, they found married life incredibly dull and constraining and resented the fact that as women, they felt they consistently did fot disproportionate amount of the invisible labor that went into maintaining their lifestyle.
One woman in Walker's nolensvilke Married women wanting for affair in nolensville her, "The inequality of it all is such an annoying factor that I am usually in a bad mood when my spouse is in my presence," and another said that while her husband was a competent adult in the world, at home he felt like "another child to clean up after. But I've always been in charge of the 'calendar,' and what I didn't realize until recently is that in some way I'm in charge of managing many of our relationships. My mom got this phrase from her therapist: I think women do that a lot.
They hang on in ways that are often invisible. A lot of women have tried to address these problems and have faced a lot of stubbornness from husbands. They feel there's no way to win this battle. So maybe now what women are deciding is that infidelity is a third way. These women seem to be finding that no amount of sensitivity or goodwill on the part of their husbands can save them from the fact that in every arena, from work to marriage to parenthood, they're always doing more for less. As Wade put it, "It's such a precarious balance keeping everyone happy, that for many women, to start a long conversation about her own sexual satisfaction seems like a bad idea.
We now tell women that they can have it all, that they can work and have a family and deserve to be sexually satisfied. And then when having it all is miserable and overwhelming or they realize marriage isn't all it's cracked it up to be, maybe having affairs is the new plan B.